I just need to express my gratitude for those random people who cross your path and remind you that we are all connected and no one should ever feel alone in their struggles. It’s so rare and refreshing when you find evidence of prior travelers on the path you’re stumbling along.
We need to stop considering mental illnesses as negative aspects to who we are. God designed each one of us as perfect for His plans and purpose. We should embrace it as one of the qualities that makes us unique and special and beautiful in God’s eyes. That just gave me a thought… maybe we should just start suggesting to kids these days that “crazy” is the new “cool.”
Okay, I’m getting sidetracked here. My whole reason for this post is to share my appreciation for a fellow blogger Revenge of Eve. This poetry spoke to me like it was written specifically for that purpose, for me. Be amazed….
Okay, so I think I’ve finally accepted that the doctors may be correct in diagnosing me with bi-polar 1 disorder. For the longest time, like 14 years or so, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually have a mental illness. After talking with a therapist today, I realized that I have exhibited every symptom of the disorder at some point or another and just haven’t been aware of it. It’s probably more like I never wanted to be aware of it. Well… unfortunately I can’t ignore it and believe it’s not there anymore. Damn. I guess I have to deal with it now, huh?
I’ve already written some posts about addiction and my struggles with staying clean, but I’m considering turning “It’s a Process” into a daily journal that will start at the beginning of my recovery process with Day 1. That way, readers can follow along with my journey and hopefully be able to see my progress from day to day. This is also another way to hold me accountable for my recovery. That means if I miss a day, my fellow bloggers better give me hell for it!
When I started this blog 6 months ago, I didn’t really know what I was doing… at all! I honestly still don’t know as much as I probably should about WordPress or blogging in general. This is why my posts have been all over the place when it comes to subject matter and overall style. Most of the blogs I read religiously have some sort of theme that is carried through every post, making it specifically unique to the writer. I’ve wrestled with how I was going to do this myself. That’s when I got this idea but wanted to get some feedback from more experienced bloggers before I embark on this creation or project or whatever you wanna call it.
So… what’s the verdict? Good idea or no? Any suggestions to make it a blog people will want to read daily?
Being one of the vast number of people who suffer from a mental illness, I’ve learned the importance of protecting yourself from gaslighting and recognizing it when it’s happening to you.
According to Wikipedia, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that tries to create doubt in an individual or group in hopes to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to break the victim down and delegitimize their beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The term is now being used in clinical and research literature as well as in political commentary.
It’s so crucial for those with mental illnesses to be aware of this form of abuse because we are perfect targets for it. I mean, think about it… we already feel crazy without anyone’s help so it’s that much easier for someone to magnify that thought. We must remain vigilant in order to prevent falling into this type of abuse. Sadly, it’s very easy to become prey to the manipulation used in this kind of abusive relationship. It’s all about tearing someone down to gain complete control of them.
Personally, I’d rather be decked in the face than experience the psychological abuse I’ve endured. Luckily, I made it out in one piece and survived the pain. I just want to warn my fellow “crazy’s” about something I’ve been through and hopefully, save someone from being put through the abuse of a toxic relationship. If you can relate to anything in this post, get out and run… run far, far far away! When I became a target for this horrible psychological game, I had never heard of gaslighting or knew anything about it. For me, I don’t think it would’ve mattered anyway. The truth of it is that you only fall victim to what you allow. So maybe, just maybe, I might be able to enlighten someone to beware of relationships that seem to fit the gaslighting description. Or maybe, just maybe, someone will have faith in themself and their mind enough to trust their truth and stand strong against anyone who tries to make them think differently.
“You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious.”
The more I try to blend in and go unnoticed, the more I seem to stand out even in the biggest of crowds! Why does it feel like everyone is staring at me? Is it just my anxiety or am I being checked out or sized up by everyone in the room? Sometimes I believe my life would be so much simpler if I was stupid and ugly. Instead, I’m stuck having to duck and dodge the superficial and always be on guard for the possible stalker. It’s as if these men descend on me like prey and I must discern who has what kind of intentions with me. I have honestly had to deal with being stalked for most of my life adult life. I don’t understand it. But thank God, I was blessed with a super power that has always protected me. Wanna know what it is?
I listen to my intuition. It’s probably the only time I don’t hesitate for a second if I’m told to take action. I’ve been blessed with knowledge that I must keep to myself because I know it doesn’t make a single bit of sense. My friends already know I’m a little different so I don’t need to add any fuel to the “crazy” fire. My satisfaction comes when all the puzzle pieces start fitting together and my intuition wins once again. In 38 years, its never failed me. There are times when I wish I could turn it off so I wouldn’t be constantly reading a person while I’m interacting with them. I dissect the conversation as I connect their movements, small or large, to assign meaning through every aspect of the language used, whether spoken or body.
See, just that makes someone go, “what?” I don’t usually talk about this but I figured it fit with the addition of a new bonafide stalker to my life. I go to meetings for a 12-step program which shouldn’t be a secret to anyone. I met this guy at a meeting and he used the crazy card to get my attention. We started talking and I gave him a couple rides after the meetings. Now he’s involving other members to tell him when I’m at a meeting. So far I haven’t run into him but I know I will eventually. Handling these situations is a delicate process that I’ve had to use on a number of occasions.
Don’t try to avoid them. Let them come to you and they will.
Come up with a reason why you blocked their number. My go-to excuse is that “I started seeing someone and I didn’t feel right talking with guy friends that are as close as we have gotten.”
Apologize for cutting them out of your life so abruptly.
Assure them that you still have their number and if things don’t work out with the other guy, he’ll get a call.
Stand your ground and don’t communicate with them no matter what.
This is just one scenario that keeps them at a distance hopefully. I have tons more if that one doesn’t work. It’s somewhat of a positive art form that I’ve created out of something so clearly negative. So I’ll just keep failing at my efforts to blend in and I pray that everyone is happy and safe this evening…
For the longest time, I’ve had this paranoia that I’m being followed everywhere I go by cars specifically with Texas license plates. I’ve even pointed it out to all my passengers in hopes that I can get some sort of validation that I’m not just crazy. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t help but find amusement out of it. I yell, “Texas!” and give them a big smile and wave. Their looks alone are worth making an ass out of myself. When I was in my active addiction, it was easy to blame the drugs for my paranoia and possible insanity. Now that I’m clean, I still have my Texan escorts everywhere I go so I just keep making an ass of myself. I had to turn my fear and paranoia into a positive experience that makes me smile. The best part of this story is that I had a friend from college come visit me yesterday and guess where he lives now…. Yup, Texas! I took him to a meeting and we rode in different cars. So now I can say without a doubt or question that I for real had a Texas car following me! I eliminated the insanity and know for a fact that there was at least one Texan that really was following me. I successfully turned my insanity into a reality! I finally caught me a Texan!