An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth
— Read on thebipolarwriter.blog/2018/10/25/an-inconvenient-truth/

I’m all about changing the perception our world has of mental illness. We need to start teaching kids that crazy is the new cool! People need to know that our depression and mania is due to our sensitivity to feelings that are extreme and deep and overwhelming. In my opinion, what society calls an illness is in actuality a God-given gift. We didn’t ask to be born this way but it makes us special and should never be looked down upon. I proudly claim my crazy because it makes me who I am. It’s a part of us that we can’t just turn on and off whenever it’s convenient. Society needs a better understanding of what it means to live a life of mental disarray. I consider us warriors for battling an inner war day after day and continuing to live the best we can when it has taken the lives of so many.

Someone Gets It!

I just need to express my gratitude for those random people who cross your path and remind you that we are all connected and no one should ever feel alone in their struggles. It’s so rare and refreshing when you find evidence of prior travelers on the path you’re stumbling along.

We need to stop considering mental illnesses as negative aspects to who we are. God designed each one of us as perfect for His plans and purpose. We should embrace it as one of the qualities that makes us unique and special and beautiful in God’s eyes. That just gave me a thought… maybe we should just start suggesting to kids these days that “crazy” is the new “cool.”

Okay, I’m getting sidetracked here. My whole reason for this post is to share my appreciation for a fellow blogger Revenge of Eve. This poetry spoke to me like it was written specifically for that purpose, for me. Be amazed….

via I Get It

I’m not crazy! I swear!

Okay, so I think I’ve finally accepted that the doctors may be correct in diagnosing me with bi-polar 1 disorder. For the longest time, like 14 years or so, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually have a mental illness. After talking with a therapist today, I realized that I have exhibited every symptom of the disorder at some point or another and just haven’t been aware of it. It’s probably more like I never wanted to be aware of it. Well… unfortunately I can’t ignore it and believe it’s not there anymore. Damn. I guess I have to deal with it now, huh?

All my love!

Middle Ground

This Middle Ground…

A place I just don’t understand,

And definitely don’t belong.

Confusion and uncertainty

Envelopes everything here.

Yet I choose to stay.

Stuck like limbo.

Not wanting to go back,

But afraid to move forward.

I only see in shades of grey

As if I’m colorblind.

No black or white,

No dark or light.

I’ve been here far too long

Just wearing down on me.

Stagnant, claustrophobic

It makes no sense to me.

The unending, constant never known.

I search and search,

But lost my comfort zone.

I can’t seem to find it here,

And starting to wonder

If it even exists at all anymore?

How do I create a new one,

Or learn to live without it?

No… fuck that!

Where the hell am I anyhow?

No comfort zone?

I’m not having it!

Gotta find the exit sign…

Gotta find it…

If this is the Middle Ground,

I must lift my head.

Look up and see the truth.

The Higher Ground

Is right within my reach.

Just waiting for a choice,

The right choice,

The one I never make.

Maybe it’s time I change this place?

Maybe it’s time I change myself?

Maybe it’s time…

Relapse, Regroup, Restart

A fellow blogger informed me that “the day starts at sundown and ends at the next one,” so apparently I won’t be able to claim Day 1 again until tomorrow evening. I just wanted to post a quick follow-up to my First Publicly Blogged attempt to get clean and stay that way. From my post title, it’s obvious that I faltered and allowed my disease to win like so many times before. But I’m not giving up and everytime I fail, it just means I’m that much closer to success. Pray for me through this day so I may be able to share a small victory with other addicts that know what a miracle one day can be when you’re in recovery and learning how to live life, point blank. I’ll share more about my choices and what happened over the past two weeks that led to my blog coming to an abrupt halt. Gotta save it for tomorrow though after I get some much needed rest.

Thank you for all your support and prayers! All my love!

Day 1

Here we go everyone! The process has begun and I’m nearing the end of my first day clean without using any drugs. If I eat some dinner and lay down for bed right after I finish this post, I will have achieved my goal “Just for Today.” I know this is only the beginning of a life-long journey but it’s the first step toward recovery and progress is all that really matters at this point.

I’ve been struggling with addiction for most of my life but didn’t start realizing it was a problem until about a year ago. I’ve been attending meetings for a 12-step program on a regular basis the entire time. However, I was still getting high thinking my use was somehow different than other addicts. My mind can play some seriously wicked games on me to the point that I was able to believe that I was able to use drugs successfully. How completely full of bullshit is that?! Basically I was trying to work an honest program with lies. Well, just so you all know, it’s not freaking possible! I was failing the program and myself and everyone I met through the fellowship in such a massive way. The unnerving part about it was that I thought I had everyone fooled when all I was doing was fooling myself.

Last Friday (the 13th), was the anniversary of my bone marrow transplant that saved my life. Amazingly, I was given 6 months to live 12 years ago. That occasion hit me hard this year. I’m not sure why this year was any different than years before but something in me knew that everything was about to change in my life. If I would’ve known I had 12 years to do something with my life, I probably would’ve done things a whole lot differently. I definitely wouldn’t have wasted over a decade spending time with people that didn’t give a rat’s ass about me but had no problem doing whatever drugs I had. But as soon as the drugs were gone and the money was gone and I refused to pull off some crazy scam or hustle, everyone was gone too.

I am so grateful that I never have to live like that again. Today my life is peaceful and only contains people that genuinely care about me. Through the Fellowship I’ve gained connections with people that want nothing more than to see me succeed no matter how many times I’ve messed up over the course of a year. They just keep welcoming me back like it was nothing. I might have still been using but my life is drastically different just by implementing things I learned from other recovering addicts. I’ve had more alone time this year than I’ve ever had in my whole life! I apparently didn’t realize how desperately I needed the time to myself in order to grow. Somewhere along the way, I lost my entire identity like I’d been stripped of everything that made me who I am. I thank God for the work He’s already done in me and the way He always knows how to guide me in the right direction. Of course, I’m a tad bit rebellious and have a slight stubborn streak so we all know that I wasn’t listening all the time. But today is a new day, a new beginning, a new me. And I can’t wait to meet her.

I invite anyone and everyone who reads this to follow along as I fight to overcome and recover from this fatal disease of addiction. I know this will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I’m activating my faith on a whole new level knowing that’s what it will take to keep my spirits positive through it all. If you know of anyone who’s struggling with addiction as well, please share my blog with them for strength and understanding. I decided to do a daily journal where I was able to share my thoughts, my feelings, my victories, and my failures on my process of recovery in order to do a number of things. First off, I hope I can help someone going through the same struggle and maybe even give them the inspiration to make it Just One More Day clean. Secondly, it keeps me accountable with a promise to always be honest here. So if I miss a day, I expect to catch hell from everyone and if I make mistakes, I vow to be honest if everyone will accept that I’m only human. Lastly, I’ll be using this time for my own self-exploration and discovery because writing has always been a form of therapy and I have a lot of healing to do.

Thanks for all your support and please keep me in your prayers! It’s time to start living the life I was blessed with. All my love!