A Wedding?

My brother is getting married next week on Halloween. As much as I love him and want him to be happy, I have to admit that I’m so jealous. I don’t know if this comes out of our healthy sibling rivalry or if it’s because I’m not even in a relationship right now. Is it because I’m lonely? Or because I want that eternal love so badly? I mean, I want it so bad that I have created a fantasy relationship in my head with a guy that’s ghosted me for over a year. It’s ridiculous when I drag myself down to reality and think about it with a clear head.

I guess I always figured I would get married before my brother “manned up” and committed himself to a woman. I didn’t even realize his relationship was this serious. I guess that shows how close we are. Not to mention that I wasn’t informed of the wedding until about 3 or 4 weeks ago by my dad. Imagine my dad witnessing me in the midst of a total meltdown and acting like a complete brat. It wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination and when he realized there’s no point in sticking around, he told me as he was leaving, “Your brother announced last night that he’s getting married on Halloween.” Well, damn. That sure helped my hissy fit!

I couldn’t believe I was told about it like that, but at least someone informed me. Right? In this past month, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been invited to the event. I haven’t been included in the ceremony or know anything about it really. I just found out the location today through a FB message from my brother. For some reason, I think they’re actually worried that I might not show up. I just get that feeling. I figure it’s going to be a small gathering with family and maybe close friends. I haven’t the slightest clue.

Have I disconnected myself that drastically from my family and loved ones that I’m kind of an afterthought at this point? I know this didn’t happen overnight so it’s going to take a long time to change it. My relationships with the most important people in my life, my family, have become so strained over the years and I don’t really know how to repair them. The conversations I have with my dad always seem to end up as an argument and I just simply don’t talk to my brother at all. It’s not that they haven’t put in an effort to be in my life. I’m the one who doesn’t answer the phone or make a call for no reason but to just talk. I’ve done this same routine with all the people I get the closest to. It’s like I push them away without even meaning to. Why would I create a wall between the ones who love me the most? It makes no sense. Not that I’ve ever claimed to be rational, but I really don’t understand why I do this.

I’m in the process of trying to become a better person and I want my relationships to reflect the change in me. I have so much love to give and it’s like I’m holding it hostage or something. I know I’ve made the mistake of giving it too freely to the wrong people in the past. The whole thing is so backasswards of me! This is something I’m going to have to put some serious thought into because I don’t understand it. I’ll probably bring it up in my next therapy appointment and get a professional opinion on the subject. Yeah, that’s probably the best idea. In the meantime, I’m going to dial down my jealousy and look forward to my brother’s wedding. I might even ask if there’s anything I can do to help whether before, during, or after the ceremony. At least they’d know I’m going to be there that way. Wow.

The Crash!

I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it as much as anyone with bipolar disorder can, but it still hits you like a ton of Mac trucks. Not only do I deal with bipolar but I also live with numerous chronic health conditions that came after battling cancer over a decade ago. For some reason, the physical health issues seem to come exactly when I crash from a manic period. I don’t know how or why that happens, but it never fails.

So basically I’ve spent the past two days in bed going through these sweating fits that I assume are hormonal in nature. There’s really no rhyme or reason to their onset so there’s no way to prepare or plan on how to work your day around them. I just have to bundle up in sweats and a hoodie to grin and bear the grossness of profuse sweating while trying not to soak anything else other than what I’m wearing. They usually last for 30 minutes but come and go throughout the day. And there’s telling what day it will happen. Or how many days it may continue.

I have important things I need to take care of tomorrow so I can’t afford to lose another day to this annoying symptom that I’ve yet to understand where it comes from. I’m in the process of looking for a new place since my lease is up at the end of the year and I already have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I don’t want to miss out on finding the perfect place for me so I pray that I don’t see the beginning of a true crashing spiral.

Usually my crashes start out with some health problem laying me up in bed for a day and then it just seems to get harder and harder to get out of bed as each day passes. The spiral begins. Then the spiral takes over. I’m trying really hard to stay aware of my shifts and cycles so I can prevent them from controlling my life like they always have. I’m praying really hard that I will get out of bed and function tomorrow instead of losing another day.

Time Warp!

Okay, so it’s happened once again! Every clock I own has decided to choose its own original time zone or something cause they’re all set at different hours! This must be a yearly tradition I wasn’t clued in on. I think it was about a year ago that I got caught in the same sort of time warp, but I can’t be sure about that of course. I just remember getting so mad that “someone” must’ve surely changed the clock in my car to purposely make me late to wherever I had to be. Like I actually had somewhere to be back then that was so important to make any difference what time I made it there! Lmao!

Well, I’m not exactly sure how long it took me this year to realize that Time had set up another one of its secret meetings to throw my world all outta wack. At least this time I was more worried about how long every clock was set hours apart than “who” would do such a horrible thing! It makes me laugh just thinking about how angry I got over the clock in my car being a little off!

This mysterious event in my life brings up a very interesting subject though. We live in a society that places great importance on time and schedules and busy lifestyles where deadlines make us rush around everywhere we go and still worry about getting as many things done as possible that day.

What would happen if we just took Time out of the equation? What if Time simply didn’t exist anymore? What would life look like if we weren’t constrained by seconds, minutes, hours, and we all just did things at our own pace? How much in life do we actually miss because of this imprisoning concept that kills our freedom?

I’m interested in hearing what everyone else thinks about this idea. Enlighten me with some good arguments. Let’s get up and go outside the box today! Who needs that darn box anyway? Throw it out the window and then send me your thoughts. Have a great day ALL!

My love and light goes out to you always! ❤️❤️❤️

Be still and listen in the silence

I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.

So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.

My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.

When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.

Staying Connected

This is my first post in over a few months and the disappointment of not staying consistent or even showing up at all was what kept me silent day after day. The longer I went without posting anything, the worse I felt about my contribution, or lack there of, to a project that I created and want to become more than just my random thoughts. It’s amazing how easily I can allow myself to believe that my thoughts and dreams aren’t worth sharing and striving for. I find myself spiraling into a pit of isolation and then wonder why I feel so alone all the time. How ironic, right?

Initially, I just wanted to write about my realization of how important it is to choose the right connections in our life and then make sure to nurture them by simply staying connected. I don’t believe in coincidences so there’s a reason why we cross paths with certain people. Sometimes, they just appear for a moment but can leave such a lasting affect on your life that we don’t even notice. Other people come crashing in like tornadoes and flip your whole world upside down just so you are able to see things from a different perspective. Then, there’s some that creep in gradually like the wallflower you always knew was there but had to wait for them to get comfortable in your world. When these individuals finally, if they ever do, start to open up and share themselves with you, it can leave you in awe of the depth and beauty that the rest of the world is missing. Some of the most fascinating and innovative people I’ve had the pleasure of becoming close with have been cast away by the rest of society because of the way they look or fit into some unsavory stereotype. These are usually the people I’m drawn to because they don’t fit the mold. I don’t know exactly what it is about me that makes connecting to people such a natural and easy thing to do. However, I have a problem with continuing to make those connections a priority in my life which means they end up putting in more effort than I do to keep the relationship growing. After so long, people get tired of always being the one who picks up the phone and calls, so the calls become fewer and farther between. Then invites become less often until they drop off completely. All the while, I’m laying in bed depressed because there’s no one around so that means no one loves me. Seriously?!

I don’t know at what point in my life that I became incapable of understanding how to press a sequence of ten numbers on a freaking telephone! Or maybe the cell phones just became too heavy for me to lift up to my ear because my muscles atrophied so badly during my “me-me-me” pathetic pity parties. Party of one, of course, cause I never picked up the phone to invite anyone else. It’s like I just expect people to know when I need someone to talk to or I’m going through a difficult time. Well, I’ll just let you know….they don’t. You may be able to name off every problem, or struggle, or disappointment that your circle of friends are dealing with, but that’s because they reached out to you. Once again, the effort is one-sided. How long do you think a friend is going to come to you in confidence with some seriously heavy stuff if your life appears perfect and they need someone who can empathize with whatever they’re feeling? I can answer that question easily cause it doesn’t take long at all for them to go elsewhere.

I’m saying all these things about staying connected because it’s what I need to hear and what I have to keep practicing every day. It takes two to tango, right? Well, if one partner isn’t putting in the same amount of effort to dance seamlessly across the floor, it’s brutally obvious. And when we form connections, we must be mindful of what that means. When there is more than one piece to a whole, there must be connections to hold it together as one. I like to believe that everything in this universe is ultimately one piece to a whole. That means we all have to work on the relationships that are important to us and show it by putting in the effort to make those connections as solid as possible, unbreakable. People are our greatest resource in this world so why aren’t we putting as much time and energy into how we treat the people we care about like they deserve? I know this is something I need to really pay attention to and be hyper aware of because I’ve actually lost friends for not ever being the one who called the other one. And it really is that simple. Pick up the phone and call someone. Send a random text. Do whatever you have to do to stay connected to the ones you love because that’s what proves how much you’re willing to do or how far you’re willing to go to keep that connection alive. It matters.