Relapse, Regroup, Restart

A fellow blogger informed me that “the day starts at sundown and ends at the next one,” so apparently I won’t be able to claim Day 1 again until tomorrow evening. I just wanted to post a quick follow-up to my First Publicly Blogged attempt to get clean and stay that way. From my post title, it’s obvious that I faltered and allowed my disease to win like so many times before. But I’m not giving up and everytime I fail, it just means I’m that much closer to success. Pray for me through this day so I may be able to share a small victory with other addicts that know what a miracle one day can be when you’re in recovery and learning how to live life, point blank. I’ll share more about my choices and what happened over the past two weeks that led to my blog coming to an abrupt halt. Gotta save it for tomorrow though after I get some much needed rest.

Thank you for all your support and prayers! All my love! ❤️❤️❤️

Join My Process!

I’ve already written some posts about addiction and my struggles with staying clean, but I’m considering turning “It’s a Process” into a daily journal that will start at the beginning of my recovery process with Day 1. That way, readers can follow along with my journey and hopefully be able to see my progress from day to day. This is also another way to hold me accountable for my recovery. That means if I miss a day, my fellow bloggers better give me hell for it!

When I started this blog 6 months ago, I didn’t really know what I was doing… at all! I honestly still don’t know as much as I probably should about WordPress or blogging in general. This is why my posts have been all over the place when it comes to subject matter and overall style. Most of the blogs I read religiously have some sort of theme that is carried through every post, making it specifically unique to the writer. I’ve wrestled with how I was going to do this myself. That’s when I got this idea but wanted to get some feedback from more experienced bloggers before I embark on this creation or project or whatever you wanna call it.

So… what’s the verdict? Good idea or no? Any suggestions to make it a blog people will want to read daily?

Lost words

The words used to flow so freely from my mind and through my hands onto the page. After the chemo, the medication, the illicit drugs, and the health conditions that have all affected my memory, my concentration, and the speed of thought, it has become such a struggle to write anymore. It takes forever to find the that perfect word I have on the tip of my tongue and I remember a day when 10 page papers were a breeze to me. It’s painful when your passion becomes a difficult reminder of how much your brain has changed over the past 20 years or so. I have so many thoughts spinning around up there but focusing enough to get them down on paper is a serious chore. Writing used to be a release for me, a therapy session with myself. Now I find myself getting frustrated because I can’t find the ‘right’ words to express what I’m trying to say.

What do you do when your passion has become a painful process for you?

Hope

Hope is what happens when you first see a light,
Just a distant, small star in the darkest of night.

Hope is what happens with the first buds of spring,
When dawn touches the sky or a bird spreads its wings.

Hope is what happens when a wound starts to heal,
Whether skin deep or soul deep, you begin to feel real.

Hope is what happens when you’re poor but not broken.
There’s a goldmine of dreams still yet to be awakened.

Hope is what happens when someone is kind,
A feeling not lost, just misplaced in your mind.

Hope is what happens when war turns to peace,
After everyone prayed that the fighting would cease.

Hope is what happens with the smell of fresh rain,
When your long drought of dreams is renewed yet again.

Hope is what happens when clouds finally clear.
Troubled thunder falls silent, courageous whispers you hear.

Hope is what happens when fresh bread is baking,
And what hungers your heart will someday stop aching.

Hope is what happens when kindling ignites.
You rediscover your passion that burns day and night.

Hope is what happens when the pain eases a bit,
And deep down inside, you find your true grit.

Hope is what happens as long as we breathe,
For although it takes time, the sorrow will leave.

Hope is what happens long after the pain…

Hope is what happens, again and again…

~ Catherine DeVrye

Notorious

“You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious.”

The more I try to blend in and go unnoticed, the more I seem to stand out even in the biggest of crowds! Why does it feel like everyone is staring at me? Is it just my anxiety or am I being checked out or sized up by everyone in the room? Sometimes I believe my life would be so much simpler if I was stupid and ugly. Instead, I’m stuck having to duck and dodge the superficial and always be on guard for the possible stalker. It’s as if these men descend on me like prey and I must discern who has what kind of intentions with me. I have honestly had to deal with being stalked for most of my life adult life. I don’t understand it. But thank God, I was blessed with a super power that has always protected me. Wanna know what it is?

I listen to my intuition. It’s probably the only time I don’t hesitate for a second if I’m told to take action. I’ve been blessed with knowledge that I must keep to myself because I know it doesn’t make a single bit of sense. My friends already know I’m a little different so I don’t need to add any fuel to the “crazy” fire. My satisfaction comes when all the puzzle pieces start fitting together and my intuition wins once again. In 38 years, its never failed me. There are times when I wish I could turn it off so I wouldn’t be constantly reading a person while I’m interacting with them. I dissect the conversation as I connect their movements, small or large, to assign meaning through every aspect of the language used, whether spoken or body.

See, just that makes someone go, “what?” I don’t usually talk about this but I figured it fit with the addition of a new bonafide stalker to my life. I go to meetings for a 12-step program which shouldn’t be a secret to anyone. I met this guy at a meeting and he used the crazy card to get my attention. We started talking and I gave him a couple rides after the meetings. Now he’s involving other members to tell him when I’m at a meeting. So far I haven’t run into him but I know I will eventually. Handling these situations is a delicate process that I’ve had to use on a number of occasions.

  • Don’t try to avoid them. Let them come to you and they will.
  • Come up with a reason why you blocked their number. My go-to excuse is that “I started seeing someone and I didn’t feel right talking with guy friends that are as close as we have gotten.”
  • Apologize for cutting them out of your life so abruptly.
  • Assure them that you still have their number and if things don’t work out with the other guy, he’ll get a call.
  • Stand your ground and don’t communicate with them no matter what.

This is just one scenario that keeps them at a distance hopefully. I have tons more if that one doesn’t work. It’s somewhat of a positive art form that I’ve created out of something so clearly negative. So I’ll just keep failing at my efforts to blend in and I pray that everyone is happy and safe this evening…

Just a bit about me

Life is too short to worry about the little things that cloud what really matters. It’s better to have a handful of really good friends than have a huge amount of simple acquaintances. No matter what difficulties life might deal us, we wouldn’t be able to fully tackle them without the unconditional love of true friends and a supportive family.

I’ve spent damn near two decades floating through one trauma after another desperate to know why it was all happening to me. Then I finally realized it wasn’t about me. It was about all the people who never left my side while I wandered lost and searching for some reason that I was still alive and given yet another chance.

Most people measure success by how much money they have or what title they worked to get at their job. I used to think that way too but I’ve had to reevaluate a lot through the years. I know for a fact that God is keeping me around for a reason so I’ve put my life in His hands. I spend every moment I can touching as many lives as possible. I try to give myself and my heart to those who have done the same for me. Or even to ones that haven’t. I’ve accepted that I can’t save the world or anyone really. But I can save myself and show people unconditional love even when it goes unnoticed or unappreciated. I may even be taken advantage of sometimes because of my generous spirit, but at least I was able to help.

“The more you give, the more you will receive.”

My mom told me one time that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I just wonder how many sleeves I go through in a day and if that means I have to change the shirt every time too. That would be a lot of laundry!