I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.
So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.
My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.
When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.
This is my first post in over a few months and the disappointment of not staying consistent or even showing up at all was what kept me silent day after day. The longer I went without posting anything, the worse I felt about my contribution, or lack there of, to a project that I created and want to become more than just my random thoughts. It’s amazing how easily I can allow myself to believe that my thoughts and dreams aren’t worth sharing and striving for. I find myself spiraling into a pit of isolation and then wonder why I feel so alone all the time. How ironic, right?
Initially, I just wanted to write about my realization of how important it is to choose the right connections in our life and then make sure to nurture them by simply staying connected. I don’t believe in coincidences so there’s a reason why we cross paths with certain people. Sometimes, they just appear for a moment but can leave such a lasting affect on your life that we don’t even notice. Other people come crashing in like tornadoes and flip your whole world upside down just so you are able to see things from a different perspective. Then, there’s some that creep in gradually like the wallflower you always knew was there but had to wait for them to get comfortable in your world. When these individuals finally, if they ever do, start to open up and share themselves with you, it can leave you in awe of the depth and beauty that the rest of the world is missing. Some of the most fascinating and innovative people I’ve had the pleasure of becoming close with have been cast away by the rest of society because of the way they look or fit into some unsavory stereotype. These are usually the people I’m drawn to because they don’t fit the mold. I don’t know exactly what it is about me that makes connecting to people such a natural and easy thing to do. However, I have a problem with continuing to make those connections a priority in my life which means they end up putting in more effort than I do to keep the relationship growing. After so long, people get tired of always being the one who picks up the phone and calls, so the calls become fewer and farther between. Then invites become less often until they drop off completely. All the while, I’m laying in bed depressed because there’s no one around so that means no one loves me. Seriously?!
I don’t know at what point in my life that I became incapable of understanding how to press a sequence of ten numbers on a freaking telephone! Or maybe the cell phones just became too heavy for me to lift up to my ear because my muscles atrophied so badly during my “me-me-me” pathetic pity parties. Party of one, of course, cause I never picked up the phone to invite anyone else. It’s like I just expect people to know when I need someone to talk to or I’m going through a difficult time. Well, I’ll just let you know….they don’t. You may be able to name off every problem, or struggle, or disappointment that your circle of friends are dealing with, but that’s because they reached out to you. Once again, the effort is one-sided. How long do you think a friend is going to come to you in confidence with some seriously heavy stuff if your life appears perfect and they need someone who can empathize with whatever they’re feeling? I can answer that question easily cause it doesn’t take long at all for them to go elsewhere.
I’m saying all these things about staying connected because it’s what I need to hear and what I have to keep practicing every day. It takes two to tango, right? Well, if one partner isn’t putting in the same amount of effort to dance seamlessly across the floor, it’s brutally obvious. And when we form connections, we must be mindful of what that means. When there is more than one piece to a whole, there must be connections to hold it together as one. I like to believe that everything in this universe is ultimately one piece to a whole. That means we all have to work on the relationships that are important to us and show it by putting in the effort to make those connections as solid as possible, unbreakable. People are our greatest resource in this world so why aren’t we putting as much time and energy into how we treat the people we care about like they deserve? I know this is something I need to really pay attention to and be hyper aware of because I’ve actually lost friends for not ever being the one who called the other one. And it really is that simple. Pick up the phone and call someone. Send a random text. Do whatever you have to do to stay connected to the ones you love because that’s what proves how much you’re willing to do or how far you’re willing to go to keep that connection alive. It matters.