Be still and listen in the silence

I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.

So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.

My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.

When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.

Why me?

Why me?

Why am I blessed,

With this army of angels,

That only I can see?

Why me?

Relapse, Regroup, Restart

A fellow blogger informed me that “the day starts at sundown and ends at the next one,” so apparently I won’t be able to claim Day 1 again until tomorrow evening. I just wanted to post a quick follow-up to my First Publicly Blogged attempt to get clean and stay that way. From my post title, it’s obvious that I faltered and allowed my disease to win like so many times before. But I’m not giving up and everytime I fail, it just means I’m that much closer to success. Pray for me through this day so I may be able to share a small victory with other addicts that know what a miracle one day can be when you’re in recovery and learning how to live life, point blank. I’ll share more about my choices and what happened over the past two weeks that led to my blog coming to an abrupt halt. Gotta save it for tomorrow though after I get some much needed rest.

Thank you for all your support and prayers! All my love!

Day 1

Here we go everyone! The process has begun and I’m nearing the end of my first day clean without using any drugs. If I eat some dinner and lay down for bed right after I finish this post, I will have achieved my goal “Just for Today.” I know this is only the beginning of a life-long journey but it’s the first step toward recovery and progress is all that really matters at this point.

I’ve been struggling with addiction for most of my life but didn’t start realizing it was a problem until about a year ago. I’ve been attending meetings for a 12-step program on a regular basis the entire time. However, I was still getting high thinking my use was somehow different than other addicts. My mind can play some seriously wicked games on me to the point that I was able to believe that I was able to use drugs successfully. How completely full of bullshit is that?! Basically I was trying to work an honest program with lies. Well, just so you all know, it’s not freaking possible! I was failing the program and myself and everyone I met through the fellowship in such a massive way. The unnerving part about it was that I thought I had everyone fooled when all I was doing was fooling myself.

Last Friday (the 13th), was the anniversary of my bone marrow transplant that saved my life. Amazingly, I was given 6 months to live 12 years ago. That occasion hit me hard this year. I’m not sure why this year was any different than years before but something in me knew that everything was about to change in my life. If I would’ve known I had 12 years to do something with my life, I probably would’ve done things a whole lot differently. I definitely wouldn’t have wasted over a decade spending time with people that didn’t give a rat’s ass about me but had no problem doing whatever drugs I had. But as soon as the drugs were gone and the money was gone and I refused to pull off some crazy scam or hustle, everyone was gone too.

I am so grateful that I never have to live like that again. Today my life is peaceful and only contains people that genuinely care about me. Through the Fellowship I’ve gained connections with people that want nothing more than to see me succeed no matter how many times I’ve messed up over the course of a year. They just keep welcoming me back like it was nothing. I might have still been using but my life is drastically different just by implementing things I learned from other recovering addicts. I’ve had more alone time this year than I’ve ever had in my whole life! I apparently didn’t realize how desperately I needed the time to myself in order to grow. Somewhere along the way, I lost my entire identity like I’d been stripped of everything that made me who I am. I thank God for the work He’s already done in me and the way He always knows how to guide me in the right direction. Of course, I’m a tad bit rebellious and have a slight stubborn streak so we all know that I wasn’t listening all the time. But today is a new day, a new beginning, a new me. And I can’t wait to meet her.

I invite anyone and everyone who reads this to follow along as I fight to overcome and recover from this fatal disease of addiction. I know this will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I’m activating my faith on a whole new level knowing that’s what it will take to keep my spirits positive through it all. If you know of anyone who’s struggling with addiction as well, please share my blog with them for strength and understanding. I decided to do a daily journal where I was able to share my thoughts, my feelings, my victories, and my failures on my process of recovery in order to do a number of things. First off, I hope I can help someone going through the same struggle and maybe even give them the inspiration to make it Just One More Day clean. Secondly, it keeps me accountable with a promise to always be honest here. So if I miss a day, I expect to catch hell from everyone and if I make mistakes, I vow to be honest if everyone will accept that I’m only human. Lastly, I’ll be using this time for my own self-exploration and discovery because writing has always been a form of therapy and I have a lot of healing to do.

Thanks for all your support and please keep me in your prayers! It’s time to start living the life I was blessed with. All my love!

Join My Process!

I’ve already written some posts about addiction and my struggles with staying clean, but I’m considering turning “It’s a Process” into a daily journal that will start at the beginning of my recovery process with Day 1. That way, readers can follow along with my journey and hopefully be able to see my progress from day to day. This is also another way to hold me accountable for my recovery. That means if I miss a day, my fellow bloggers better give me hell for it!

When I started this blog 6 months ago, I didn’t really know what I was doing… at all! I honestly still don’t know as much as I probably should about WordPress or blogging in general. This is why my posts have been all over the place when it comes to subject matter and overall style. Most of the blogs I read religiously have some sort of theme that is carried through every post, making it specifically unique to the writer. I’ve wrestled with how I was going to do this myself. That’s when I got this idea but wanted to get some feedback from more experienced bloggers before I embark on this creation or project or whatever you wanna call it.

So… what’s the verdict? Good idea or no? Any suggestions to make it a blog people will want to read daily?

Goodbye, old friend

Goodbye, old friend

I’m moving on

This is harder than I thought it’d be

You’ve always been there to lift me up

The only constant I’ve had in my life

At least for the past ten years that is

You introduced me to a world I would’ve never known

So completely outside my comfort zone

You gave me an endless supply of “friends”

And taught me some things I needed to know

The hard way, of course… in order to grow

Without you, I never would’ve found my voice

I’d still be a doormat, afraid to stand on my choice

I must’ve been so naive when we met

They descended upon me like prey, I bet

I was forced to learn a whole new kind of language

And taught to stay on point and aware of my things

Survival mode, everyone out for themselves

Always watch your back, because nobody else will

We’ve had our fun, don’t get me wrong

The breakfast delivery route is sadly long gone

I’ve been putting you first for the longest time

But the stakes are too high for me at this point

So I’m walking away

Not looking back

Scared as hell

But the time has come

I’ll miss you, old friend

Goodbye forever… and ever.

Amen!