Join My Process!

I’ve already written some posts about addiction and my struggles with staying clean, but I’m considering turning “It’s a Process” into a daily journal that will start at the beginning of my recovery process with Day 1. That way, readers can follow along with my journey and hopefully be able to see my progress from day to day. This is also another way to hold me accountable for my recovery. That means if I miss a day, my fellow bloggers better give me hell for it!

When I started this blog 6 months ago, I didn’t really know what I was doing… at all! I honestly still don’t know as much as I probably should about WordPress or blogging in general. This is why my posts have been all over the place when it comes to subject matter and overall style. Most of the blogs I read religiously have some sort of theme that is carried through every post, making it specifically unique to the writer. I’ve wrestled with how I was going to do this myself. That’s when I got this idea but wanted to get some feedback from more experienced bloggers before I embark on this creation or project or whatever you wanna call it.

So… what’s the verdict? Good idea or no? Any suggestions to make it a blog people will want to read daily?

Goodbye, old friend

Goodbye, old friend

I’m moving on

This is harder than I thought it’d be

You’ve always been there to lift me up

The only constant I’ve had in my life

At least for the past ten years that is

You introduced me to a world I would’ve never known

So completely outside my comfort zone

You gave me an endless supply of “friends”

And taught me some things I needed to know

The hard way, of course… in order to grow

Without you, I never would’ve found my voice

I’d still be a doormat, afraid to stand on my choice

I must’ve been so naive when we met

They descended upon me like prey, I bet

I was forced to learn a whole new kind of language

And taught to stay on point and aware of my things

Survival mode, everyone out for themselves

Always watch your back, because nobody else will

We’ve had our fun, don’t get me wrong

The breakfast delivery route is sadly long gone

I’ve been putting you first for the longest time

But the stakes are too high for me at this point

So I’m walking away

Not looking back

Scared as hell

But the time has come

I’ll miss you, old friend

Goodbye forever… and ever.

Amen!

Lost words

The words used to flow so freely from my mind and through my hands onto the page. After the chemo, the medication, the illicit drugs, and the health conditions that have all affected my memory, my concentration, and the speed of thought, it has become such a struggle to write anymore. It takes forever to find the that perfect word I have on the tip of my tongue and I remember a day when 10 page papers were a breeze to me. It’s painful when your passion becomes a difficult reminder of how much your brain has changed over the past 20 years or so. I have so many thoughts spinning around up there but focusing enough to get them down on paper is a serious chore. Writing used to be a release for me, a therapy session with myself. Now I find myself getting frustrated because I can’t find the ‘right’ words to express what I’m trying to say.

What do you do when your passion has become a painful process for you?

Gaslighting

Being one of the vast number of people who suffer from a mental illness, I’ve learned the importance of protecting yourself from gaslighting and recognizing it when it’s happening to you.

According to Wikipedia, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that tries to create doubt in an individual or group in hopes to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to break the victim down and delegitimize their beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The term is now being used in clinical and research literature as well as in political commentary.

It’s so crucial for those with mental illnesses to be aware of this form of abuse because we are perfect targets for it. I mean, think about it… we already feel crazy without anyone’s help so it’s that much easier for someone to magnify that thought. We must remain vigilant in order to prevent falling into this type of abuse. Sadly, it’s very easy to become prey to the manipulation used in this kind of abusive relationship. It’s all about tearing someone down to gain complete control of them.

Personally, I’d rather be decked in the face than experience the psychological abuse I’ve endured. Luckily, I made it out in one piece and survived the pain. I just want to warn my fellow “crazy’s” about something I’ve been through and hopefully, save someone from being put through the abuse of a toxic relationship. If you can relate to anything in this post, get out and run… run far, far far away! When I became a target for this horrible psychological game, I had never heard of gaslighting or knew anything about it. For me, I don’t think it would’ve mattered anyway. The truth of it is that you only fall victim to what you allow. So maybe, just maybe, I might be able to enlighten someone to beware of relationships that seem to fit the gaslighting description. Or maybe, just maybe, someone will have faith in themself and their mind enough to trust their truth and stand strong against anyone who tries to make them think differently.

Perception

Sometimes you just need to talk to a 3-year-old so you can understand life again…

Hope

Hope is what happens when you first see a light,
Just a distant, small star in the darkest of night.

Hope is what happens with the first buds of spring,
When dawn touches the sky or a bird spreads its wings.

Hope is what happens when a wound starts to heal,
Whether skin deep or soul deep, you begin to feel real.

Hope is what happens when you’re poor but not broken.
There’s a goldmine of dreams still yet to be awakened.

Hope is what happens when someone is kind,
A feeling not lost, just misplaced in your mind.

Hope is what happens when war turns to peace,
After everyone prayed that the fighting would cease.

Hope is what happens with the smell of fresh rain,
When your long drought of dreams is renewed yet again.

Hope is what happens when clouds finally clear.
Troubled thunder falls silent, courageous whispers you hear.

Hope is what happens when fresh bread is baking,
And what hungers your heart will someday stop aching.

Hope is what happens when kindling ignites.
You rediscover your passion that burns day and night.

Hope is what happens when the pain eases a bit,
And deep down inside, you find your true grit.

Hope is what happens as long as we breathe,
For although it takes time, the sorrow will leave.

Hope is what happens long after the pain…

Hope is what happens, again and again…

~ Catherine DeVrye