How do you shut down the chaos when it’s inside of you?

Sometimes life throws at us what seems like more than we can handle, but I have nothing but chaos going on inside of me. I literally have over 10 diagnosed chronic medical conditions that never wanna give me any warning when they decide to rear their ugly heads. It could be one, several, or some unknown condition that’s totally new to the line-up. It’s ridiculous! The kicker is when you add my bi-polar rollercoaster to the mix. Now, that’s when it gets really interesting because there’s no telling if I’m actually sick physically or I’m suffering from some deep depression, which can cause many physical symptoms as well…

I live with this constant chaos on the inside that would literally fuck around the strongest of minds. I wanna scream, “What the hell is going on!” And I actually do. I try to save this practice for when I’m driving and the windows are all rolled up. Usually I try to make sure there’s no cars close cause I’m sure the passers by would wonder why I’m screaming at nobody. Who knows, I could be yelling at someone on a call through my car’s bluetooth. Hold up, stop right there.

Why do I care what people think of me when I’m just being myself? And I just realized how this started out talking about the chaos inside me and I just proved how easily distracted my head gets. Squirrel! Plus, the words I’m able to get onto this screen are just a tiny sample of what spins inside my head constantly. What makes it even harder is that I let my emotions control me all too often so I can go from devastated to ecstatic all within the same day. It’s like a whirlwind with too many factors to figure out anything. Chaos.

I think that’s what started the “shut-downs” as I’ve so endearingly termed for the periods when I go to bed and don’t get out for days. I mean I don’t get out of bed at all. I don’t answer the phone or check my facebook page or anything. I don’t talk to anyone or listen to my music like usual. I just go blank. Most people who I let get that close to me are privy to the “shut-down” disappearance of me. Other people don’t know what the hell to think. I honestly don’t know how to explain it either. Maybe it’s a time for me to recharge my battery? I haven’t got a clue. I just know it makes everyone worry about me when they should know better and that I’ll eventually come back to the living.

How do you shut down the chaos when its inside of you?

Ghost

I see a stranger,

In the mist.

He sits so calm,

So still at rest.

He calls to me,

With eyes of need.

I know not why,

But still proceed.

He knows my name,

But hides his face.

I hold my ground,

And just in case,

I lift his gaze,

But see the fear.

Without a word,

No sound to hear,

My hands reach out,

With pure intent.

My light, my love,

To him it’s meant.

Please take my hand,

And walk with me.

Just by my side,

And soon you’ll see…

The future,

Our future,

Together at last.

God in Action

Somehow I forgot how amazing it is to witness God in action through blessings when life throws you a hurdle. In His perfect timing, I was reminded today that He’s with me always and when I focus on Him, my faith becomes the most precious and powerful gift I’m able to offer the world. Since as long as I can remember, I’ve watched miracles happen all around me, for me, and through me. It’s a beautiful and amazing thing to watch and be a part of. Just being able to feel His presence is enough to recharge my faith when I didn’t even realize how desperately I needed it right now. But when He appears in a way that’s so obvious I can’t deny it being anything other than His handiwork, I’m able to boldly give Him thanks and praise to make certain that whoever I’m with recognizes that God just touched their life.

I met a good friend at Starbuck’s yesterday morning to get caffeinated and talk through some serious issues we both were struggling with. The coffee shop was packed so we just posted up in my car parked outside. Of course I always like to listen to music even if it’s just background noise so I never completely turned the car off. Thirty minutes into our talk the music stopped and we realized my car was dead. The two of us began wandering around the parking lot asking anyone coming or going if they had jumper cables to start my car. I think it took asking five different drivers before we found a couple who not only had jumper cables but also had AAA coverage! Because of where I was parked, there was no way for their truck to get close enough for the cables to reach. Without a bit of hesitation, the man got on the phone with AAA asking for assistance. However, the person on the phone said it might take up to 45 minutes before a technician would be available. By the grace of God, this couple dropped everything they probably had to do and waited the whole 45 minutes with us before help arrived. It took all of 5 minutes to get my car up and running again.

My friend was completely astonished that these random strangers took that much time out of their day to help us when most people wouldn’t have even gone to those lengths for someone they knew. We were so blessed not only by the experience we had but also by showing my friend what God can do if you just believe and trust in Him. Blessings are merely God in action. I needed to see this myself as well to restore and strengthen my own faith. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m being tested. Some days I’m just barely holding on but now I remember that God’s been holding me through it all and I have nothing to fear. In His perfect timing, my spirit has been renewed with hope for brighter days.

Confession

I’m a damn liar. I’m a fraud. I’ve become exactly what I told myself I’d never be. I have so much pain built up from being manipulated by the very people I was the closest to. And yet I’ve become no different than any of them. In fact, I’m probably better at it than they could ever be. I learned from the best and became something I hate, knowing how much it hurt me. I even found a place where I could be completely honest and still I eventually starting lying there. Why would anyone fuck up the one place where it was safe to be honest no matter what? I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. I’m torturing myself. I’m doing the same thing I’ve always done when the opportunity the change is right in front of my face and ready for me to accept the gift that it truly is. I’m failing the program. I’m failing the other members of the fellowship. I’m failing myself. And most importantly, I’m failing God. I don’t know how to fix it or make things right when I feel like I’ve already gone too far. I’m in too deep in so many ways right now. How in the hell did I get here? But where exactly am I seriously? I can’t even do the simplest of tasks like not using. I even know the consequences looming over my head if I don’t quit using and completely cut myself off from the few people I still talk to in the drug world. If they truly love me, they’ll understand. And yet that doesn’t stop me. I pray for them knowing where they’re headed and what that must feel like. I pray that I won’t ever experience the same fate. Please God, protect me and my freedom! Only You have the power to save me. My faith is being tested like never before and my armor is weak. Fear keeps creeping in…

Imitation Life

I had a feeling we’d be right back here

In this twisted world where nothing’s true

And even now with our goals in reach

We just keep doing what we shouldn’t do

It makes no sense what we’re giving up

A life of love and God and trust

Filled with blessings beyond our dreams

Yet we can’t stay away from what we must

Will this cycle ever end?

Or are we destined to fall apart?

We both know where this always leads

Placing distance between our hearts

What we’re doing just isn’t right

It’s nothing more than an imitation life

I want what’s real that we can share

With God as our focus and me as your wife

It’s time to make a drastic change

And agree to leave it all behind

Create the world we deserve to have

And reject all the limits we placed in our mind