Tearing me down

It’s a truly sobering realization when you see people for who they really are. Especially when those people are the closest friends you’ve had throughout your life. When I think of what friends should do, it doesn’t match up at all with how I’ve been treated by any of my “best” friends. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love me the most have all torn me down and made me to feel like I’m less that what I truly am? Are they all that insecure that it makes them feel better to kill my light and shove me in the background? Sadly, I invoke this action in more people than I even want to admit. I must be something amazingly beautiful for other women to get so seriously intimidated by me. And the thing is, I’m not trying to stand out or get attention or be anything other than myself.

Apparently they all saw what I didn’t and knew that their best chance at outshining me was to stifle me and use me as a way to get the attention they so desperately needed. I say it’s desperate because it actually makes me sad for them. I just want to be me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s been impossible for me to find out who I am when my life has been constantly filled with people telling me who I am or telling me what I’m not. Who are they to say who I am?! I’m not following anyone or anything ever again. Ideas are meant to be questioned, not just believed because someone else said to. I’m sick of being placed in this box that I don’t belong in. I don’t even believe in thinking inside a box so why should I be trapped somewhere that isn’t even real to me? Granted, I have an issue figuring out what is real. Reality is in the eye of the beholder and I can sure create some interesting realities to switch shit up for the fun of it.

I’m in the process of learning how to manifest my desires in the physical realm but it’s honestly not that important to me right now. I’ve never been romanced and shown as much love as I have in ways that continue to blow my mind. It reminds me every day that I deserve to be loved and treated the way I treat the people I consider friends. No, I treat everyone with the same respect, friend or foe. Is it beyond people to simply build up their friends and focus on their strengths? Nowadays, everyone seems to prefer tearing others down and exploiting their weaknesses. I wonder if they even realize what they’re doing. What bothers me most is the fact that it took me 38 years to see people for who they truly are.

As my intuition gathers strength, I can see the truth behind the person spewing lies while they try to hide behind their mask designed with precision. The more enlightened I become, the more I just wanna hide from the world and people altogether. I can’t help but get overwhelmed by the false impressions that everyone gives the world. I can’t handle being surrounded by all the negative energy. I feel it all and it hurts me without having anything to do with me. I take it on and I haven’t learned how to separate that energy from my own. Is this supposed to be a gift? It’s more of a burden right now….

Goodbye, old friend

Goodbye, old friend

I’m moving on

This is harder than I thought it’d be

You’ve always been there to lift me up

The only constant I’ve had in my life

At least for the past ten years that is

You introduced me to a world I would’ve never known

So completely outside my comfort zone

You gave me an endless supply of “friends”

And taught me some things I needed to know

The hard way, of course… in order to grow

Without you, I never would’ve found my voice

I’d still be a doormat, afraid to stand on my choice

I must’ve been so naive when we met

They descended upon me like prey, I bet

I was forced to learn a whole new kind of language

And taught to stay on point and aware of my things

Survival mode, everyone out for themselves

Always watch your back, because nobody else will

We’ve had our fun, don’t get me wrong

The breakfast delivery route is sadly long gone

I’ve been putting you first for the longest time

But the stakes are too high for me at this point

So I’m walking away

Not looking back

Scared as hell

But the time has come

I’ll miss you, old friend

Goodbye forever… and ever.

Amen!

Perception

Sometimes you just need to talk to a 3-year-old so you can understand life again…

Hope

Hope is what happens when you first see a light,
Just a distant, small star in the darkest of night.

Hope is what happens with the first buds of spring,
When dawn touches the sky or a bird spreads its wings.

Hope is what happens when a wound starts to heal,
Whether skin deep or soul deep, you begin to feel real.

Hope is what happens when you’re poor but not broken.
There’s a goldmine of dreams still yet to be awakened.

Hope is what happens when someone is kind,
A feeling not lost, just misplaced in your mind.

Hope is what happens when war turns to peace,
After everyone prayed that the fighting would cease.

Hope is what happens with the smell of fresh rain,
When your long drought of dreams is renewed yet again.

Hope is what happens when clouds finally clear.
Troubled thunder falls silent, courageous whispers you hear.

Hope is what happens when fresh bread is baking,
And what hungers your heart will someday stop aching.

Hope is what happens when kindling ignites.
You rediscover your passion that burns day and night.

Hope is what happens when the pain eases a bit,
And deep down inside, you find your true grit.

Hope is what happens as long as we breathe,
For although it takes time, the sorrow will leave.

Hope is what happens long after the pain…

Hope is what happens, again and again…

~ Catherine DeVrye

Notorious

“You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious.”

The more I try to blend in and go unnoticed, the more I seem to stand out even in the biggest of crowds! Why does it feel like everyone is staring at me? Is it just my anxiety or am I being checked out or sized up by everyone in the room? Sometimes I believe my life would be so much simpler if I was stupid and ugly. Instead, I’m stuck having to duck and dodge the superficial and always be on guard for the possible stalker. It’s as if these men descend on me like prey and I must discern who has what kind of intentions with me. I have honestly had to deal with being stalked for most of my life adult life. I don’t understand it. But thank God, I was blessed with a super power that has always protected me. Wanna know what it is?

I listen to my intuition. It’s probably the only time I don’t hesitate for a second if I’m told to take action. I’ve been blessed with knowledge that I must keep to myself because I know it doesn’t make a single bit of sense. My friends already know I’m a little different so I don’t need to add any fuel to the “crazy” fire. My satisfaction comes when all the puzzle pieces start fitting together and my intuition wins once again. In 38 years, its never failed me. There are times when I wish I could turn it off so I wouldn’t be constantly reading a person while I’m interacting with them. I dissect the conversation as I connect their movements, small or large, to assign meaning through every aspect of the language used, whether spoken or body.

See, just that makes someone go, “what?” I don’t usually talk about this but I figured it fit with the addition of a new bonafide stalker to my life. I go to meetings for a 12-step program which shouldn’t be a secret to anyone. I met this guy at a meeting and he used the crazy card to get my attention. We started talking and I gave him a couple rides after the meetings. Now he’s involving other members to tell him when I’m at a meeting. So far I haven’t run into him but I know I will eventually. Handling these situations is a delicate process that I’ve had to use on a number of occasions.

  • Don’t try to avoid them. Let them come to you and they will.
  • Come up with a reason why you blocked their number. My go-to excuse is that “I started seeing someone and I didn’t feel right talking with guy friends that are as close as we have gotten.”
  • Apologize for cutting them out of your life so abruptly.
  • Assure them that you still have their number and if things don’t work out with the other guy, he’ll get a call.
  • Stand your ground and don’t communicate with them no matter what.

This is just one scenario that keeps them at a distance hopefully. I have tons more if that one doesn’t work. It’s somewhat of a positive art form that I’ve created out of something so clearly negative. So I’ll just keep failing at my efforts to blend in and I pray that everyone is happy and safe this evening…

RIP Mommy

Mother’s Day is probably one of the most difficult days of the year for me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to spend a moment in time with my mom today. Losing her was like losing my whole sense of self. Looking at each other was like looking into a two-way mirror.

Without trying, my mom raised a daughter who shares most of her best and worst qualities. I give her all the credit for my ability to love unconditionally without boundaries or limits. She instilled most of the values I will always live by such as honesty and compassion for others.

I will forever hold dear to my heart the way we continually switched off as the caregiver throughout the years. On the other hand, I definitely got my “crazy” from my mom. You can only imagine some of the epic blowouts we had when our “crazy’s” would collide.

As I get older, the questions I wish I could ask her continues to grow. I guess that’s one of the worst parts of losing your mom at such a young age. She was only 54 years old when she passed away but they say only the good die young, right? It’s what I choose to believe. Just like I choose to believe she’s always looking down and protecting me as one of my guardian angels.