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For the longest time, I’ve had this paranoia that I’m being followed everywhere I go by cars specifically with Texas license plates. I’ve even pointed it out to all my passengers in hopes that I can get some sort of validation that I’m not just crazy. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t help but find amusement out of it. I yell, “Texas!” and give them a big smile and wave. Their looks alone are worth making an ass out of myself. When I was in my active addiction, it was easy to blame the drugs for my paranoia and possible insanity. Now that I’m clean, I still have my Texan escorts everywhere I go so I just keep making an ass of myself. I had to turn my fear and paranoia into a positive experience that makes me smile. The best part of this story is that I had a friend from college come visit me yesterday and guess where he lives now…. Yup, Texas! I took him to a meeting and we rode in different cars. So now I can say without a doubt or question that I for real had a Texas car following me! I eliminated the insanity and know for a fact that there was at least one Texan that really was following me. I successfully turned my insanity into a reality! I finally caught me a Texan!
I fought cancer and won that battle. I struggle with addiction and found that recovery is possible. I deal with a number of chronic illnesses but don’t let them control my life. With all this being said, there’s still another monster that defeats me every time it rears it’s ugly head. Depression is the most powerful opponent I’ve ever encountered. How are you supposed to win a battle against something that steals all your desire to fight or do anything really?
To those who don’t understand mental illness, it may seem like people suffering with depression are just giving up on life. Knowing this enemy all too well, I see things in a much different way. I believe that some of the strongest people are the ones who pull themselves out of the darkness and do it repeatedly throughout their lives. It takes a true warrior to make it through depression alive.
I’m just gonna save us a whole lot of time and just throw it out there. I’m scared, terrified, afraid, paranoid… and ALONE!
I’ve never lived by myself without anybody to come home to. I don’t know how to live alone. I honestly don’t know how to take care of myself. Hell, it’s a miracle that I’ve kept my cat alive for 14 years! I’m basically a 37 year old child and I don’t know what life is supposed to be like. It’s only been a few hours since I finally realized I was home alone and my anxiety is verging on panic now. I don’t feel safe but I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I didn’t even know he had left or that all his things were missing too. How could I not have seen it or noticed anything? It was like some stealth ninja disappearing act! All that’s left are the keys he placed neatly in a spot where I’d be sure to see them.
I should be happy or relieved that he left so peacefully, but I just told him two days ago that he needed to find somewhere else to stay. I never expected him to go so soon. I didn’t even know he was gone! I have no clue where he went or who he went with. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now.
This is what I wanted, right? A sober living environment without the influence of anyone else. It’s all on me now. No one to blame. No more excuses. I have to get clean. It’s time… and I’m so scared! God, please help me! I can’t do this on my own! I gotta go now and jam out to some Christian rock before the silence overwhelms me. Must keep my eyes on the Lord and have faith, have faith, have faith…
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
~ Winston Churchill
What am I getting myself into? I must be completely insane. I don’t want to win. This isn’t a game. I don’t gamble. I just know what my heart has whispered. Now it’s screaming at me. I can’t ignore it now. Not like I ever tried to. So loud. And yet I’m spinning in this crazy mystery. Catching clues strategically placed in my path to keep confirming the screams of my heart. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. But have I ever had control? And why’s it so damn important for me to have? Maybe I’m tired of trying to do something that’s truly impossible. Maybe I’m ready to let myself surrender to the free fall I’m so afraid of. The perfect test of my faith is believing where I land is where I’m meant to be. I have so much love inside of me and meant for one purpose. It has the power to heal the deepest wounds. How could anyone lose when surrounded by a love that flows from the heavens, through my soul, and into everything I want to do? And who I choose to give that power to. I pray for answers every day to all these questions I don’t even know who to ask. Yet in my reality, I already know the answers and have my very own personal military entourage. I say I’m tired of waiting and being patient. But I know it all depends on me and my choices up til now and everyone here after. No matter what happens, just know who will always have my heart. So who is really the one gambling now? And will they bet on me? Hmmm….