Tearing me down

It’s a truly sobering realization when you see people for who they really are. Especially when those people are the closest friends you’ve had throughout your life. When I think of what friends should do, it doesn’t match up at all with how I’ve been treated by any of my “best” friends. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love me the most have all torn me down and made me to feel like I’m less that what I truly am? Are they all that insecure that it makes them feel better to kill my light and shove me in the background? Sadly, I invoke this action in more people than I even want to admit. I must be something amazingly beautiful for other women to get so seriously intimidated by me. And the thing is, I’m not trying to stand out or get attention or be anything other than myself.

Apparently they all saw what I didn’t and knew that their best chance at outshining me was to stifle me and use me as a way to get the attention they so desperately needed. I say it’s desperate because it actually makes me sad for them. I just want to be me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s been impossible for me to find out who I am when my life has been constantly filled with people telling me who I am or telling me what I’m not. Who are they to say who I am?! I’m not following anyone or anything ever again. Ideas are meant to be questioned, not just believed because someone else said to. I’m sick of being placed in this box that I don’t belong in. I don’t even believe in thinking inside a box so why should I be trapped somewhere that isn’t even real to me? Granted, I have an issue figuring out what is real. Reality is in the eye of the beholder and I can sure create some interesting realities to switch shit up for the fun of it.

I’m in the process of learning how to manifest my desires in the physical realm but it’s honestly not that important to me right now. I’ve never been romanced and shown as much love as I have in ways that continue to blow my mind. It reminds me every day that I deserve to be loved and treated the way I treat the people I consider friends. No, I treat everyone with the same respect, friend or foe. Is it beyond people to simply build up their friends and focus on their strengths? Nowadays, everyone seems to prefer tearing others down and exploiting their weaknesses. I wonder if they even realize what they’re doing. What bothers me most is the fact that it took me 38 years to see people for who they truly are.

As my intuition gathers strength, I can see the truth behind the person spewing lies while they try to hide behind their mask designed with precision. The more enlightened I become, the more I just wanna hide from the world and people altogether. I can’t help but get overwhelmed by the false impressions that everyone gives the world. I can’t handle being surrounded by all the negative energy. I feel it all and it hurts me without having anything to do with me. I take it on and I haven’t learned how to separate that energy from my own. Is this supposed to be a gift? It’s more of a burden right now….

Join My Process!

I’ve already written some posts about addiction and my struggles with staying clean, but I’m considering turning “It’s a Process” into a daily journal that will start at the beginning of my recovery process with Day 1. That way, readers can follow along with my journey and hopefully be able to see my progress from day to day. This is also another way to hold me accountable for my recovery. That means if I miss a day, my fellow bloggers better give me hell for it!

When I started this blog 6 months ago, I didn’t really know what I was doing… at all! I honestly still don’t know as much as I probably should about WordPress or blogging in general. This is why my posts have been all over the place when it comes to subject matter and overall style. Most of the blogs I read religiously have some sort of theme that is carried through every post, making it specifically unique to the writer. I’ve wrestled with how I was going to do this myself. That’s when I got this idea but wanted to get some feedback from more experienced bloggers before I embark on this creation or project or whatever you wanna call it.

So… what’s the verdict? Good idea or no? Any suggestions to make it a blog people will want to read daily?

Goodbye, old friend

Goodbye, old friend

I’m moving on

This is harder than I thought it’d be

You’ve always been there to lift me up

The only constant I’ve had in my life

At least for the past ten years that is

You introduced me to a world I would’ve never known

So completely outside my comfort zone

You gave me an endless supply of “friends”

And taught me some things I needed to know

The hard way, of course… in order to grow

Without you, I never would’ve found my voice

I’d still be a doormat, afraid to stand on my choice

I must’ve been so naive when we met

They descended upon me like prey, I bet

I was forced to learn a whole new kind of language

And taught to stay on point and aware of my things

Survival mode, everyone out for themselves

Always watch your back, because nobody else will

We’ve had our fun, don’t get me wrong

The breakfast delivery route is sadly long gone

I’ve been putting you first for the longest time

But the stakes are too high for me at this point

So I’m walking away

Not looking back

Scared as hell

But the time has come

I’ll miss you, old friend

Goodbye forever… and ever.

Amen!

Lost words

The words used to flow so freely from my mind and through my hands onto the page. After the chemo, the medication, the illicit drugs, and the health conditions that have all affected my memory, my concentration, and the speed of thought, it has become such a struggle to write anymore. It takes forever to find the that perfect word I have on the tip of my tongue and I remember a day when 10 page papers were a breeze to me. It’s painful when your passion becomes a difficult reminder of how much your brain has changed over the past 20 years or so. I have so many thoughts spinning around up there but focusing enough to get them down on paper is a serious chore. Writing used to be a release for me, a therapy session with myself. Now I find myself getting frustrated because I can’t find the ‘right’ words to express what I’m trying to say.

What do you do when your passion has become a painful process for you?

Gaslighting

Being one of the vast number of people who suffer from a mental illness, I’ve learned the importance of protecting yourself from gaslighting and recognizing it when it’s happening to you.

According to Wikipedia, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that tries to create doubt in an individual or group in hopes to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to break the victim down and delegitimize their beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term originated from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The term is now being used in clinical and research literature as well as in political commentary.

It’s so crucial for those with mental illnesses to be aware of this form of abuse because we are perfect targets for it. I mean, think about it… we already feel crazy without anyone’s help so it’s that much easier for someone to magnify that thought. We must remain vigilant in order to prevent falling into this type of abuse. Sadly, it’s very easy to become prey to the manipulation used in this kind of abusive relationship. It’s all about tearing someone down to gain complete control of them.

Personally, I’d rather be decked in the face than experience the psychological abuse I’ve endured. Luckily, I made it out in one piece and survived the pain. I just want to warn my fellow “crazy’s” about something I’ve been through and hopefully, save someone from being put through the abuse of a toxic relationship. If you can relate to anything in this post, get out and run… run far, far far away! When I became a target for this horrible psychological game, I had never heard of gaslighting or knew anything about it. For me, I don’t think it would’ve mattered anyway. The truth of it is that you only fall victim to what you allow. So maybe, just maybe, I might be able to enlighten someone to beware of relationships that seem to fit the gaslighting description. Or maybe, just maybe, someone will have faith in themself and their mind enough to trust their truth and stand strong against anyone who tries to make them think differently.

Perception

Sometimes you just need to talk to a 3-year-old so you can understand life again…