I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.
So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.
My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.
When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.