No More Excuses

I’m just gonna save us a whole lot of time and just throw it out there. I’m scared, terrified, afraid, paranoid… and ALONE!

I’ve never lived by myself without anybody to come home to. I don’t know how to live alone. I honestly don’t know how to take care of myself. Hell, it’s a miracle that I’ve kept my cat alive for 14 years! I’m basically a 37 year old child and I don’t know what life is supposed to be like. It’s only been a few hours since I finally realized I was home alone and my anxiety is verging on panic now. I don’t feel safe but I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I didn’t even know he had left or that all his things were missing too. How could I not have seen it or noticed anything? It was like some stealth ninja disappearing act! All that’s left are the keys he placed neatly in a spot where I’d be sure to see them.

I should be happy or relieved that he left so peacefully, but I just told him two days ago that he needed to find somewhere else to stay. I never expected him to go so soon. I didn’t even know he was gone! I have no clue where he went or who he went with. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now.

This is what I wanted, right? A sober living environment without the influence of anyone else. It’s all on me now. No one to blame. No more excuses. I have to get clean. It’s time… and I’m so scared! God, please help me! I can’t do this on my own! I gotta go now and jam out to some Christian rock before the silence overwhelms me. Must keep my eyes on the Lord and have faith, have faith, have faith…

2 Replies to “No More Excuses”

  1. If you are conscious enough to identify your issue, then you can defeat it. Stick with it. At some point the inner demons become quiet and peace takes over. Think about whatever relaxes you or makes you happy. Maybe meditate.

    I haven’t dealt with addiction, but I fight the inner demons too. Some days they are quiet, others it is overwhelming. Keep fighting!

    1. Thank you so much for your support! It’s helpful to know I’m not alone and it’s possible to overcome.
      ~ fullcircle

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