I told a friend that I was seriously depressed yesterday and they asked me, “why?” I wasn’t prepared to answer that question or even thought about it myself. I was dumbstruck. I simply answered, “I don’t know.” I stayed up all night contemplating that nagging question… “why?”
I guess I could blame it on my car getting stolen by wayward druggies or my family cutting me off because I lied about how my car got stolen or that I can’t seem to stay clean for longer than a week and it feels like everyone is giving up on me. You would think any one of those things would make someone feel a bit blue. But I traced back to when the depression started creeping in like a thin grey smoke through the cracks in my skin. It started when he left.
I’m not unhappy about the time I’ve had alone and learn about who I am. I’m not unhappy about having peace in my life again. It actually makes no rational sense whatsoever to miss someone who was placed in my life to destroy it. But there’s things I see that no one else catches, and things I hear when no one else listens, and things I know that I can’t explain to anyone. All I know is that he is my other half.
I knew it from the goosebumps he gave me from the first time to every time he was near. I knew it from the way he looked at me but still kept me at a distance. “Don’t get too close,” I could hear his mind say. But I saw this amazing soul in his hazel eyes like when the light would catch them just right and turn them to glimmering gold. I know I’m not crazy, despite what everyone may say, and I know I didn’t just imagine these things.
If anything, I should hate him for what he put me through but I just don’t. I love him. And I’m not some sadistic person who likes to fight and play mind games. I love who I saw inside. I knew there was more than meets the eye with him. But damn, I didn’t know just how blown away he’d take me…