Sometimes life throws at us what seems like more than we can handle, but I have nothing but chaos going on inside of me. I literally have over 10 diagnosed chronic medical conditions that never wanna give me any warning when they decide to rear their ugly heads. It could be one, several, or some unknown condition that’s totally new to the line-up. It’s ridiculous! The kicker is when you add my bi-polar rollercoaster to the mix. Now, that’s when it gets really interesting because there’s no telling if I’m actually sick physically or I’m suffering from some deep depression, which can cause many physical symptoms as well…
I live with this constant chaos on the inside that would literally fuck around the strongest of minds. I wanna scream, “What the hell is going on!” And I actually do. I try to save this practice for when I’m driving and the windows are all rolled up. Usually I try to make sure there’s no cars close cause I’m sure the passers by would wonder why I’m screaming at nobody. Who knows, I could be yelling at someone on a call through my car’s bluetooth. Hold up, stop right there.
Why do I care what people think of me when I’m just being myself? And I just realized how this started out talking about the chaos inside me and I just proved how easily distracted my head gets. Squirrel! Plus, the words I’m able to get onto this screen are just a tiny sample of what spins inside my head constantly. What makes it even harder is that I let my emotions control me all too often so I can go from devastated to ecstatic all within the same day. It’s like a whirlwind with too many factors to figure out anything. Chaos.
I think that’s what started the “shut-downs” as I’ve so endearingly termed for the periods when I go to bed and don’t get out for days. I mean I don’t get out of bed at all. I don’t answer the phone or check my facebook page or anything. I don’t talk to anyone or listen to my music like usual. I just go blank. Most people who I let get that close to me are privy to the “shut-down” disappearance of me. Other people don’t know what the hell to think. I honestly don’t know how to explain it either. Maybe it’s a time for me to recharge my battery? I haven’t got a clue. I just know it makes everyone worry about me when they should know better and that I’ll eventually come back to the living.
How do you shut down the chaos when its inside of you?