Confession

I’m a damn liar. I’m a fraud. I’ve become exactly what I told myself I’d never be. I have so much pain built up from being manipulated by the very people I was the closest to. And yet I’ve become no different than any of them. In fact, I’m probably better at it than they could ever be. I learned from the best and became something I hate, knowing how much it hurt me. I even found a place where I could be completely honest and still I eventually starting lying there. Why would anyone fuck up the one place where it was safe to be honest no matter what? I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. I’m torturing myself. I’m doing the same thing I’ve always done when the opportunity the change is right in front of my face and ready for me to accept the gift that it truly is. I’m failing the program. I’m failing the other members of the fellowship. I’m failing myself. And most importantly, I’m failing God. I don’t know how to fix it or make things right when I feel like I’ve already gone too far. I’m in too deep in so many ways right now. How in the hell did I get here? But where exactly am I seriously? I can’t even do the simplest of tasks like not using. I even know the consequences looming over my head if I don’t quit using and completely cut myself off from the few people I still talk to in the drug world. If they truly love me, they’ll understand. And yet that doesn’t stop me. I pray for them knowing where they’re headed and what that must feel like. I pray that I won’t ever experience the same fate. Please God, protect me and my freedom! Only You have the power to save me. My faith is being tested like never before and my armor is weak. Fear keeps creeping in…

4 Replies to “Confession”

  1. You cannot be dishonest with God. So relish the fact that he wants you to be happy, and he cares what you do to hurt yourself and others. It helps to be as specific as Catholic confessions. Say out loud or write down your lies. I do.

    1. What if you aren’t yet willing to change what the lies revolve around? And sometimes you even regret being honest in the first place? It’s a conundrum, a real rock and a hard place…

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