I don’t remember the day or week or month it actually was when my whole existence was brought to a sudden screeching halt. Up until that day, I’d always spoke praise of my oncologist’s bedside manner but everything about his demeanor that day was different. No gentle smile, no warm handshake. He just came into the office and plainly started with, “This is where we’re at…” His words were so chillingly disconnected that I found myself start to go numb. I remember hearing “six months left” and “finding a bone marrow donor” but no one appeared in anyway optimistic.
Thankfully, my father sat beside me soaking up all the news and jotting down notes because I had officially shut down at some point and already began blocking out my own reality. I mean, how would you handle being told you have six months to live?
You’d think that would be a seriously hard thing for someone to process. Which it was, of course, but the part that made it the most difficult was the fact that I heard those words over 11 years ago and I’m still here. For most of those years, I still believed the doctors and held onto the thought that I was dying. So I simply existed as if I were already dead and sat around waiting for it to become a reality. I gave up on myself and my goals and my dreams because I didn’t think I’d have the time to create what I had always envisioned my life to look like. I wasn’t strong. I never fought for my life. I still don’t understand why people called me inspiring when I didn’t do anything but survive a terminal illness. Isn’t it ironic that God would keep me here when I was ready to leave this world so long ago? Apparently, He kept me here for a reason and a purpose that is becoming clearer and clearer now.
Being completely honest and real here, I’d have to admit that it’s taken me over a decade to finally stand up and fight for a life worth living and crave the feeling of just being alive. Like everything else with me, it takes an extra amount of time to finally “get it”. It took me years to reclaim my identity after an abusive relationship and believe I deserve to have a beautiful and fulfilling life. I had to experience the process of finding myself and what I want. I was lost, but thank God, I’ve been found! And thank God I’m still here with the ability to touch lives to this day.